Hello again, It's been a few years. I am 19 years old now. I've been happily single for a while now. I still have "relationshits" now and again. I had a crush on another girl,lets call her B. Shes really sweet and everything but not interested in me in that way. ten there was another girl, R, who was pretty much the same as B. I live on my own now actually I am roommates with number 5. Believe it or not she is still in a relationship with that boyfriend I was jealous of. I work now, go to school, and have 2 cats. woo...yah my life isn't that exciting anymore. But I've stopped dating guys. I haven't had much luck with women either but I realized a few months ago that men are not for me. I will try to get on now and then and update on my life.

i wrote this for number 0 i was upset idr if i ever read it to her

I no longer want you.i wont say i need you.my cries are in vain you cause nothing but pain you push me away again and again i can see you now i see you with her you hold her tight you make me realize i can wait no longer i can no longer care i cant hold this affection that i need to share youve moved on with your life and ive moved on with mine you can cause no more pain my cries arent in vain for someone will answer she will be there to want me forever to want the affection i share

well ive been gone for a while

and no one has said much kinda sad.are you there? is anyone even reading??hello??hmm this worries me.all well so um me and my boyfreind broke up a few weeks ago...it was for the best.ive still been kinda hung on my bff.its really sad.but now i have a new bf(wow allready?...yes)he asked my out and i couldnt turn him down.its been going really well.i hope i dont screw this one up.ive been wondering how is it people at my age (16) can say "i love you" and believe they really mean it?idk it bugs me seeing these couples saying i love you all the time(yes i did the same thing)it still bugs me though.ive got a question for anyone reading...how do you know when to give up?when to stop striving for someone you want so bad? is it up to them or is it even a choice? think on it respond e-mail idc

over pushing emotions and desires ontop others...O.o

Ive never really thought about that maybe thats my problem im very um not clingy but like i get very attached to the girl im with idk if its insecurity or what but i cant help it.With guys im totally oposite.lets use my loveing bf for example i loves him to death but im not wanting to talk to him everyday and i can go without knowing how hes doing or what hes doing.its nbd.but with number 4 she told me how she felt about me and once i realized i felt the same way...BAM...i fucked it up.I rushed her into a relationship then cheated and totally broke her heart.jeeze....ima bitch.o amber will you send me your e-mail there are some things i would love to tell you that would proly help you help me...but there are some people who read my blog who dont need to know this info.

well...

the last person to comment Amber? im guessing it said it was a random person so yeah.Um thx you seem really helpful and am glad your fallowing my um situations?yeah so to answer some of your questions....she did have feelings for me in that way she told me flat out and well she made it very clear.Im not so sure what she wants now though...cause today we were fine talking being retarded and i loved it yet there are random moments you know? like when she comes behind me and gives me a hug or lays her head against my shoulder.o and our fight lol i was have an emotional break down adn she got mad i wasnt explaining it to her...sooo i explained what was going on and how i was all confused and she got mad cause i got upset.hmm idr any other questions.but i know a big one is if she liked me in that way...yeah she did im 100% sure.

lets get deeper into number 5...sense i spent today with her

so today i got to go shopping with number 5 were actually talking and being bff like.it was really fun and all but like idk the whole time i kept thinking "why cant i be with you?" well it sucked.i tried talking to her i started crying and we started to fight...it was horrible.i explained to her what was going on...it isnt going to well i figure i should just be a good bff...is that a good idea??How do you think she feels?what do you thinks gonna happen?I mean idk i loves her but dating her is so not in my plans...i wuv my bf.yet, idk her ex is like oober lovey dovey with her wich bothers me esp sense he and i used to be good freinds...also she has a bf(barley)and well shes morman and i have no problem with other religions its all good to me but her mom is like strict and would kill her if she knew...shes scared her mom allready knows and ahhh!!! im getting flustered ill get back to this later.

AM i just making excuses why we cant be together?thats what it sounds like...ug i need some advice.

number 5 wooo!!!

i did one of the bravest things ever i dated my best freind like bff...we was like sisters until she revealed her "love" for me.thats not how it startded though lol.At first we were just like the best of freinds...then one day (remember shes supossed to be the straight one)i was at her house and we were just hanging out nbd i mean it started as nbd.well i really wanted ice cream but she was like no!i was like plz then i got another no!so i started my puppy dog face and was all begging...it didnt work.so i pulled her real close and was like please!!!she was like i thought you were gonna kiss me...lightbulb went on in my mind!!...so i asked her again she smiled and said no then i pulled her in and kissed her and was like how bout now..she smiled and said ok...then um it kinda went from there i figured we both enjoyed eachother so whats the harm?haha i was so wrong.i measn we really loved one another when we were alone together but at school and around her ex thigs got fucked up.he was clingy with her and pushed me away so i got all sad.I AM A CHEATER!i kissed someone else while dating her wich gave her the perfect excuse to dump me...i had it coming.so yeah that relationshit sucked mucho and im still healing from all the drama.Because,now me and my bff are not nearly as close as we used to be..its sad like really really sad.idk when things will be the way they were and idk if i should try and fix it or back off idk what to do anymore...i keep screwing up